Mothers-Don’t give up

Mother.

I think I often take for granted how strong I am as a mother and how deep my influence is. I think about how I change diapers, wash in between his toes, scrub his hair, and spread the peanut butter on his sandwiches, and wonder if what I say is even sinking in.

“Am I even making a difference? Will he remember what I’m trying to teach?”

For the first few months as a mother, I almost felt like my efforts were in vain. I talked, giggled, laughed, read to, and sang to my son that was almost completely unresponsive. I held on conversations with him, even though he didn’t answer back; I told him my deepest dreams while we played; I told him of my deepest convictions–yet nothing. I almost felt silly at times. On the surface, it seemed there was no hint of understanding.

Then, he began to talk. He began to respond. Now he even talks back and we can carry on a conversation. But, now I almost wonder if he hears me when I tell him how much I believe in God, how I know He hears my prayers, how I feel peace when I read His word. He runs from toy to toy and it feels like the words of my heart go in one ear and out the other–and that’s if I get lucky and they even get in the first ear at all.

But, despite all this, I have the firmest belief that in some small way he understands. He may not hear my words or listen to a complete sentence I say–but he sees me day in and day out. He sees that I care about people, he knows that I invite him to pray with me when I’m about to lose it and need extra strength, he knows that every night-without fail-we read God’s word.

We live our beliefs.

I have to think that someday he’ll look back and it will sink in–it will sink in deep.

I hope with all my heart it does.

I know that as a mother, my daily actions have more power than I realize, even if it seems like he’s not listening, we’re both crying, and there is peanut butter in everyone’s hair. I know that the simple things I do, that I feel go unnoticed–are not.

The things you do don’t go unnoticed either.

When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? – Neal A. Maxwell

Mom’s lets remember the influence we have. Let’s remember that the words we speak, the songs we sing, and hugs we give don’t go unnoticed–even if our babies are speechless and our kids run around like crazies. Because what a sad thing it would be if we gave up–if we looked around amid the chaos and threw in the towel.

Momma–don’t give up. Keep talking to your babe who can’t talk back and keep teaching that child who doesn’t have a moment to listen. Because soon, they’ll know and we’ll be glad we taught with our hearts and didn’t give up.

To my unborn child: My heart still yearns for you

{This post was written before I found out I was pregnant. It was a Sunday afternoon, and I was feeling the loss of previous negative tests along with wondering about what the future would hold. I sat down on my in-laws porch and wrote this out on my phone…}

My heart today is at peace, but still yearning–sincerely, sincerely yearning that I will be pregnant with our next little one. I pray for that child and anxiously await the day I will know it is coming–on its way.

In my heart, I know the day will come. In my heart, I know that things will happen according to the will of God and His perfect timing. But even though I feel that peace, my heart still loves my unborn child; my heart still yearns.

You see, I’m starting to feel that a mother’s love knows no bounds. My love transcends earth and life. It leaps to an unborn child still safely in the arms of God in Heaven.

My love feels a special kindred love towards our child. I feel as though the child is close by and knows me as his or her mother. And I yearn. I yearn for the day that we can meet face to face, skin to skin, and welcome it into our family.

Even though I’m at peace knowing that God understands and that he is guiding my process of conception, I still feel a deep, deep yearning that cannot be simply put in the back of my head, or forgotten.

I love my unborn child and I yearn for the day I will learn it is on its way into our loving arms.

I would love to connect with you! You can find me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter to get more daily updates. 🙂 Thank you for being apart of my life!

He asked to hold my hand

This little boy has got my heart. He tugs not only on my hand as he takes me from room to room around the house to play, but he tugs at my heart strings, too. He’s tender, he’s kind, and he tells me he is brave. “Brave” he will say with conviction.

But even though he is trying to be brave, he is still a boy who needs his mama, and I’m glad. Because this mama still wants her little boy. After all, nowadays there is less rocking, the closeness of nursing is a distant memory, and cuddles are becoming fewer and farther between as he grows more independent day by day. But even though he’s growing, I long for those moments of just being close–the two of us.

The other day after he was hard at play for a while, we climbed in the car to drive home and there he was in the back. He suddenly said aloud, “Hold hand.” I looked back and there he was reaching for my hand. “Hold hand” he said again. He situated his hand just right and then he looked out the window-Just content- “cloud!” and “mountain!” he exclaimed.

It was this moment that I was so grateful for. For a couple moments my boy was back in my reach. Just him and I, and the clouds and mountains within our grasp.

“A mother holds her children’s hands for a while, their hearts forever.”- Unknown

He may not reach back and hold my hand for much longer, in fact, in a matter of a few short years, I don’t think he’d be caught dead doing that. But forever, we’ll be close. He’ll be my little, rascal boy, and I’ll be his mom–forever.

Mama, come out from under the bed

This week has been smelly, literally. My husband and I have both had the flu and my son has been teething so much I thought an extra appendage should break through his gums. I washed the white load three times because I just kept forgetting it and leaving it in the washer until it smelled. My dishes were strategically piled in the sink and the rags smelled gross. {I purposefully tried not to smell when I went near the sink.} Gross. But nevertheless, reality.

It is times like these, and any time when stresses are high and energy low, that I often feel my mothering abilities are sub par, at best. I feel wholly inadequate in comparison to the task. I focus on all the things I’m doing that I don’t like and completely dismiss the little, but monumentally important things I do well each day.

Each day I hug my boy,
I kiss him softly,
I whisper “I love you” into his impressionable ears.

Each day I think about how I could make him smile,
How I could make him feel cared for,
How I could make his day.

Each day I get on the ground and am my son’s playmate,
his best bud.

Each day, I strive to fulfill his need to simply be loved.
No questions asked, no prerequisites needed.
My love is free and that is the greatest gift.

I know the things I do, and my love for my family are not unique to me. I see so many others, you, loving fully, acting selflessly, and living kindly all the time. It inspires me to keep going and to be more loving myself.

“Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do… but how much love we put into that action.”

– Mother Teresa

So keep it up, my friend. Keep doing those little things that you feel are nothing. Keep kissing those chubby cheeks and reading the same book 20 times; keep washing the same load 3 times and picking up odds and ends strewn across the floor; keep spraying Febreeze and airing out the house; keep snuggling late into the night and sleeping with a kink in your neck, because it really does matter.

It shows you care.

So come out from under the bed, Mama. Show your face, because you’re doing a fabulous job. As mom’s we may not do everything we ever hoped and we may not raise the next Einstein, but we can raise a child who knows how to love, because they’ve been loved–and that is powerful.

“If you want to bring happiness to the whole world, go home and love your family.”

– Mother Teresa

Motherhood doesn’t just happen

I used to believe motherhood would just happen to me.

We celebrate Mother’s Day as the day we were made a mom–when our first child entered our arms and graced our lives.

It’s the day we became a mother.

Although that is technically true, I have to say my Mother’s Day is not the second Sunday in May, or the day my son was born, but instead an ordinary day in December.

I remember it clearly. It was at the end of my first semester back to school after having Parker. Sam and Parker were both very sick. To top it off, Sam and I were busy as well–swamped with both our jobs and end of the year projects.

I was up in the middle of the night, rocking my sick baby who was struggling to sleep, and all of a sudden things changed for me. It was like a lightning bolt. All of a sudden I was ready to be a mom. I was ready to put my family first. As strange as it is to admit, for the first time, I cared more about Sam and Parker, than I did about my schooling, my goals, or my dreams.

That is when I decided to be a mom.

Yes, my boy had come 8 months before. But this is when I changed from being his primary caregiver, to his mother; when I decided I’d rather be mom than anything else. 

No matter when we became a mom, if the birth was planned or not, we need to choose motherhood–choose that our children, their hearts, and their lives are more important. It seems that to really embrace motherhood, we need to let go of some things. Because at least in my life, my family just wanted me, not my accomplishments, my degree, or anything else.

Was motherhood a natural transition for you, or did it take you a while to feel like a mother? How have you learned to sacrifice and make your family your first priority? I would love to hear about your experiences as well as your advice!