Pains fade

For the last couple weeks I’ve been very reflective. All the sights, smells, and colors of fall have taken me back to the sights, smells, memories, and colors of last fall and all we were experiencing. This is what I wrote on my blog in my post Moving. It’s a roller coaster.

Today my soul is not soaring through the clouds. Instead, it is somewhere between my knees and the ground. Our little family is currently in the midst of moving. We just recently found out we need to be out of our current house in one month and we have yet to find another place to live.

Then, in November while we were still in the middle of our moving adventure I wrote this from my post When life looks bleak:

Many of you know that mid-September and October were difficult for our family. We were told we needed to move in one month, but we were having a difficult time finding another place to live. Things kept falling through, while my anxiety started to rise through the roof.

Moving was a serious roller coaster. I remember readers commenting about how everything would work out; how there was beauty and happiness in store. But honestly, at the time I wasn’t seeing the glimmer; I wasn’t seeing the break in my stormy skies. All I saw was bleak and grey.

This really was a trying time for me. I think many can relate when I say that not knowing where you are going to live is hard. And when there is kids involved and a short time frame, it seems even more stressful. Uncertainty is not something I’m keen on or great with dealing with, and all of last fall was marked by uncertainties.

But this last month or so, I’ve been awestruck by how life has moved on and how the pain of that time period has faded so dramatically. While in the trenches of last year I hit some of my all time lows emotionally, and now I feel like my life is hitting some of it’s all-time highs. It is a testament to me of how there are truly good things to come in life. No matter how deep in the trenches we feel and how certain we are that there really is no light at the end of the tunnel–just more deep darkness–there most certainly IS. There is undoubtedly hope, happiness, and most likely, some of the best times ahead down the tunnels that appear pitch black.

Last year I felt like my holidays were all over the place. Our life was marked by packing and unpacking, only to pack and unpack again. I was lonely for friends and feeling completely unsure. This year, I’m decorating my house, preparing for our sweet girl who has lived in my heart for years, and enjoying the peace and stability of life.

Fall Collage

This year

I know many may not be in those times of certainty today. Perhaps your road is leading now to a tunnel that seems unbearable, lonely, and pitch black. But, I’m hear to tell ya, that hard times do pass. The pain of yesteryear’s do fade. To my past self, the clouds did break. There really was happiness ahead. I’m living proof to myself that the happiness is here and times do get better.

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Our First Bumpdate- 28 weeks

Well, I’ve always said “better late than never”, and I think this scenario really takes the cake. I’ve never done a bumpdate questionnaire for either Parker or our little girl, and here we are 3rd trimester through this second pregnancy and I just up and decided, why not? So, here ya go.

Funny, I always like reading the bumpdates of other’s I know, but for some reason thought if I did one for myself, people would be so bored they’d scroll through or pick their nose. Why?? I don’t know. Well, today I’m just ignoring my fear of boring people and am going out on a limb that maybe one of you, besides myself will enjoy this. So let the questions begin…

How far along? 28 weeks- 3rd trimester, baby!
Baby is: 2.25 lbs & 14.8 in. (approx)
Total weight gain/loss? +15 lbs. {sidenote: I’m actually really proud of myself for this… my 1st pregnancy I was weighing myself all the time. I was so caught up on being a certain size that I was monitoring myself all the time. This pregnancy, I’ve loosened up & it has been so much better!!! I just weighed myself this morning, but I hadn’t in a couple weeks. Anyway, hooray for focusing more on how I feel and less on stressing about weight gain. This is progress for a girl like me who has obsessed too much about being skinny, for too much of my life.} and now I move on….
Maternity clothes? Yes. Oh, and my husband’s t-shirts.Gah! Why is it so hard for me to buy t-shirts that fit me? Or just maternity clothes in general??

I haven't even been taking pictures of myself, so I snapped these, but sorry I'm wearing lazy, around the house clothes. Real life.

I haven’t even been taking pictures of myself, so I snapped these, but sorry I’m wearing lazy, around the house clothes. Real life.

Stretch marks? Not any new ones that I’ve noticed. But, I have noticed that as I get bigger, the ones from Parker’s pregnancy are deepening in color once again. But just like weight gain, I’ve been paying a lot less attention this time around, so I’m not quite sure.
Sleep? Sleep is good. I fall asleep when I turn off the light and then wake up, what feels like a second later. {Can I say weird dreams though, anyone???!} Pregnancy always makes my dreams crazy.
Best moment this week? Well this is the hardest question! I have no idea, I feel like it is all the sweet things Parker is saying to me and how much love is in his heart. He’s constantly telling us how much he loves things and how cute people are. I cannot begin to explain how blessed we feel to have him as our little boy.
Miss Anything? My pre-pregnancy clothes. I miss being able to get dressed more easily. Now I feel like I try something on and it looks weird, I try something else on–it looks weird too. And then 10 minutes later I’m settling on something that looks the least weird. {Clothing is the bane of my existence right now.}
Movement? A ton. She is one wiggly girl who seems like she can never get comfortable.
Food cravings? Not really strong ones.
Anything making you queasy or sick? Not really.
Have you started to show yet? Yes.
Gender? IT’S A GIRL!
Labor Signs? Umm not real labor, but Braxton Hicks contractions have been almost getting out of control. Two days ago, I got about 20 sets of them in the space of just 2 hours. But, oh well, apparently that can happen, and apparently drinking more water can help them not be so strong.
Belly Button in or out? Half out, but almost completely out.  It depends on if I’m breathing in or out.
Wedding rings on or off? On. It’s actually really lose right now, probably because the colder weather.
Happy or Moody most of the time? Happy!!! 🙂

Well, there it you have it. I’m feeling just really blessed right now to have some time to get ready for this little girl. I’m starting to realize that although this is my second, that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m prepared. I just realized last week that we have no changing table for her or a place to put her clothes (even though her clothing is practically non-existent). Anyway, it’s just interesting how there is still much to do. I’m feeling less apprehension for labor and for her arrival, but I’m busying myself with getting ready and dreaming of life with our little girl.

Sacredness of Intimacy

This week my mind has been blown, boggled, and awe-inspired all at once. Sometimes I read an article and I’m relatively unchanged by it’s contents, but then sometimes I come across an article that dives into my heart and makes waves that last for days.

I can’t shake this last article I read and the feeling it has brought over me. Check out the article HERE.

Sacredness of life

The main premise? Marital intimacy is a sacrament that we experience with our spouse and God. Sacraments are moments in time when we come to God and feel his holy presence. We partake of a holy experience with Him. There are few times in life when we get more close to divinity itself, then when we join with our spouse with the potential to create. And not just to create anything… but to create a living, breathing, loving, dreaming human being.

This concept boggles my mind.

“You and I who can make neither mountain nor moonlight, not one raindrop nor a single rose–yet we have this greater gift in an absolutely unlimited way. And the only control placed on us is self-control–self-control born of respect for the divine sacramental power it is.

Surely God’s trust in us to respect this future-forming gift is awesomely staggering. We who may not be able to repair a bicycle nor assemble an average jigsaw puzzle–yet with all our weaknesses and imperfections, we carry this procreative power that makes us very much like God in at least one grand and majestic way.”

This quote is the essence of my thoughts. I cannot believe that me–so very imperfect– and quite unable to put together a rubiks cube–am right this minute creating fingers and toes, a nervous system, eyes to see the sunrise, and ears to hear birds and someday my goodnight lullaby.

sacredness of marital intimacy

I’m so profoundly grateful to a God who lets me come closer to Him through this sacrament. This time when I feel His guiding hand and love so powerfully. Surely, intimacy is sacred, the creation of life is sacred, and I’m humbled that even I, as imperfect and weak of a vessel I am, can take a part in this magnificent sacrament.

Easter: Made stronger than I am

This week spring is in my heart. The warmer temperatures, the blossoms blooming, the clear blue skies and bright sunshine all bring this new sense of life to my soul. It reminds me of Christ, the one who enlivens my soul and brought life to the whole world.

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Click to see photo cred.

In my quiet time this morning {which is a rare beauty} I read this verse while reading THIS talk:

“Yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.” (Mosiah 24:15)

I want this verse to be the core of my life. I will always have burdens, even though my heart seems to yearn for the time when my life will be free of them. But even though there will always be something that is hard, worrisome, or wears me down, I can always turn to God, be strengthened by Him, and then move on and live my life {full of burdens} cheerfully.

That is my desire. To be stronger because of my life. Not simply keep asking for an easier life.

I know I have been absent for quite a while, but I have a new goal to be back more often, but with more simple posts. I’ve realized I live for these meaningful thoughts. I long for a space to dump my brain. I want to write my thoughts with no reservations. They will show what I care for and be raw and real. They will embrace my beliefs and all I live and love.

I hope this Easter week is meaningful for you as it is for me. I’m feeling enlivened by the bright knowledge that God lived and died to give me life and strengthen me.

He’s really there.

Oh, it’s been a while since one of these drafts has been published. It’s been a while since I’ve written a couple sentences and felt that they flowed, were natural, and were all complete sentences. Thank you to those who sent me messages to check up on me and see how I was doing. Those words meant so much to me.

Frazzled.

chicken

Don’t ask why I thought this was hilarious!

That’s probably the most fitting adjective for me these days. I’ve heard the term “running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off” and I’ve realized that it’s alarmingly accurate.

Life is busy, and I often feel torn between wanting to give more to my son, but feeling empty myself. It’s hard to be taking 3 classes and still being a mom. It makes me think of all those working mom’s, all the single mom’s, and all the mom’s who may not be single, but feel they are going at it alone. I cannot imagine the sheer exhaustion. I have the utmost respect for you. You are incredible.

But, we keep going, right? We realize we’re stronger than we thought, and that our souls can weather storms we hadn’t conceived before. We do our best, at times feeling like a failure and we move forward loving our family the best we know how.  Luckily, there is a loving God.

I feel God is very intimately involved in this motherhood journey of ours, whether we have children or not yet. He sees our sorrows and our yearning hearts. He’s near our side in the middle of the nights. He’s stroking our hair when we cry out at night from exhaustion and loneliness. He’s right by our side when we struggle to conceive. He listens intently to our prayers we send up to Him and answers them in His time and way.

A picture I drew in High School that brought peace to my soul.

A picture I drew in High School that brought peace to my soul.

He’s really there. In my times of deepest sorrow, I often pray for the ability to feel His warm and loving embrace. In those moments I feel the deepest sense of comfort and love just surround me.

He’s really there.

Girls, we got this. We got this crazy, mixed-up, altered plans, hurt hearts, exhilarating life. We got this, because He is really there.

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If you are interested in finding more bloggers, I linked some of the blogging women who have inspired me to be stronger and rely on God. Really, they are my friends. If you want some inspiration and a dose of straight-talk, real life, then stop by their blogs to meet them.

In alphabetical order: A Babbling Brooke, Catching Crawfish, Chloe Kepner, Invited by Grace, Light the Lie, MomLife Now, Natalie Brenner, Noelle B. Blogs and Three Boys and a Mom

*ALSO, since life is much busier and it’s harder for me to sit down and blog as often, I would love if you would follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter to get more daily updates. 🙂 Thank you for being apart of my life!

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