Lately sitting down to write has not come easy. Partly because I’ve felt my thoughts have been anything but inspirational, hopeful, or weaved together well.
So here are my broken words–
Life has left me broken; feeling acutely aware of all my faults, all I lack, and how I’ve fallen short of who I want to be. For a whole slew of reasons I’ve come face to face with a version of myself I always tried to ignore or simply believed was not really part of me, but part of a situation.
“No, that’s not me, that’s part of my postpartum depression.”
“No, that’s not me, it’s part of the stress of moving twice in just over a month.”
“No, that’s not me, that’s part of being sleep deprived and up all night with Parker. ”
No, no, no, no, no….
But, I’m done with the excuses. I’m tired of letting my temper and my unruly side get the better of me. I’m tired of dumping it on my husband and son. I’ve decided to step up to the mirror and own up to even the ugliest parts of me; the parts I try to turn away from or hide in my closet. It’s time for me to get them out, sort through the uglies, and decide how to conquer them; how to make them beauties.
Speaking of the uglies in my closet… here in my closet currently. 🙂
I keep reminding myself of this promise:
“… for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” (Ether 12:27)
I really do believe that. Or at least I’m trying to believe that. I want it badly. I want to be able to contain my temper, even during stressful times. I want to be kind to my husband, even when I’m low on sleep. I want to have more patience with my son, even if I’m sick and depleted.
Because when in life will I be able to say I’m not stressed about something? Probably sometimes. But, not very often.
In the end, I want my happiness and kindness to be in my court, not dependent on perfect situations. Because life, as beautiful and wonderful as it is, is rarely a perpetual, perfect situation.
How have you overcome personal traits that you didn’t want in your life? I would love your advice as I am on my own journey of overcoming!
If you enjoyed this post, I would so appreciate your vote. Thanks!
A Pendulum World 
so good-thanks for sharing! I have felt similarly for quite a few years, and it can get discouraging. However, know that sleep depravation and children in general suck most of a mom’s resevoirs, daily and nightly. I find it comes in waves for me, or a bell curve, or something like that, just that the ‘awesome’ me days are so few, and the others so many…so, I haven’t overcome, but just continue to step in grace each day, because I have no idea what I’m doing=). I also think that some of us who may be on the artistic side in some way tend to realllly feel life, every moment. So, that makes it tough when life, our bodies, our kids, our marraige or whatever is hard! Blessings, and rest for you, your little guy and husband are very blessed with you. Merry Christmas!
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Thank you so much for your sweet comment. I so resonate with how you described this momma phase we are in. I love what you said that you “step in grace everyday”, because I so want to give myself more grace. And I love your thought about how artistic people really feel life–the ups and the downs. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me! I hope you have enjoyed the holidays! 🙂
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Oh, so glad it even made sense!!:) a d yeah this is nit an easy breezy thing for most of us! I feel like a failure one day, a queen the next-whatever picture of a mother culture and more so church culture has left for us i can safley say i do not resemble it. Christmas was calm and bright , and then i crashed by 6:) got to spend time with my sis yest, was good mentally yo get away from the need need need want want want from my family!:) i hope you blessed with sleep and rest and people who are in the right place and time to minister to you! Thanks so much for writing- it makes a huge diff knowing we arent alone nor the only ones. Thanks brave girl!! Hollie
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Beautiful, thanks for sharing. For me it is all about forgiveness and detached unconditional love. When I behave in a way I don’t like, I am making a judgement of myself. That is not loving.
So I forgive myself; for the behaviour, for the thought and for the belief that I am not enough.
Be love, because you ARE love.
Warmest regards to you for the festive season.
Melanie X
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I’m sorry it has taken me a bit to respond, Melanie, but I so appreciate your comment. You really opened my mind. It is so true that I could offer myself more love and forgiveness than I do. Thank you for your sweet thoughts! I hope you and yours are enjoying the holidays! 🙂
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I love and appreciate your honesty. You are NOT alone in this. We all struggle with our humanness and weakness and ugliness. It’s a lifelong struggle and we will never be perfect. Give yourself grace as you work on the flaws you find within yourself. You are a beautiful soul!!
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Thank you so much, Rachael! And thank you for the reassurance than I’m not a freak of nature 😉 ha but really, it is peaceful to know that there are others traveling on my same road. Knowing that we can support and offer advice and comfort to each other on our roads is wonderful. Thank you for sharing your heart with me, Rachael! I hope your holidays with your boys has been magical! I LOVE the pictures you post 🙂 Happy Holidays!
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Thank you Marla! Same to you 😘
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Marla, how brave you are to share such honest, raw emotions with your readers. I grew up in a home with one calm, gentle parent and one erratic, hot-tempered parent. I did not realize how much of the latter’s behavior I was emulating until I got married. I realized within a thankfully relatively short time that when I got angry I would say some pretty vile things to my husband. I’m grateful that he was forgiving enough to overlook these times, and that I was able to recognize and modify my behavior. It is 100% acceptable and normal to get frustrated, tired, impatient, etc. It in how we teach ourselves to handle these times, be it by taking deep breaths, walking away for a minute, reading a calming quote, etc. that matters. I suspect that you are far more judgmental and critical of yourself, and see yourself in a harsher light than others do. Being kind and loving to you is the most crucial step.
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Karen, I LOVE your thoughts. Thank you for sharing your reality with me. It was so horrid for me to realize that I also would say such heartless things to my husband. After the moment of anger had passed, I am often overcome with guilt. How could I be so mean to the one I love? It is so encouraging for me to know that you have improved. It gives me hope for myself. I love your ideas to calm your mind when you’re feeling angry, I think I may implement reading a calming quote. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your advice–so good.
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Marla, I’m sorry you’ve been struggling so much, but I’m so glad you felt you could vent here to your followers. What you’re going through is perfectly normal and I think no one could step back and say they could do it better if they’d walked a mile in your shoes. Hang in there with things. Just try and concentrate on breaking your goals down into very small pieces. You know what a year I’ve had over here (at least some of it) and I’m finding that just to get through the days I have to break things down into the tiniest baby steps I can. Just keeping my eyes on one small goal and seeing that through and then looking for the next goal. If you’re busy working on the one small goal, you’re too busy to be storing up bad emotions and concentrating on the negatives. I know with our moves, it took me a few weeks of working with just the smallest of goals to get myself to a place where I felt I could handle just a bit more. It still isn’t easy even now, but I can tell you it’s more manageable and I no longer give in to the feelings of being so overwhelmed or negative. Try and give yourself a “vacation” tomorrow and just concentrate on your little one’s Christmas experience. Maybe try and think of just one thing you can do to make your husband’s day better. Those are little goals, but they have big results when you achieve them. It’ll go a long way in helping you see that you aren’t so very far from the loving caring person you usually are! 🙂
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Torrie, I love your thoughts. Thank you for the reassurance that the emotions and things I related are normal. I love your advice to take things in baby steps and to not get too ahead of myself and run myself ragged. After reading your comment I’ve realized that the surest way to improving is in doing nothing radical, but instead slowly doing small things over time. I am a work in progress 🙂 Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me!
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Oh Marla!
What a beautiful heart!!! When I find myself in these slumps…I go back to the basics. I meditate ALOT on the basics of love: patient, kind, selfless, seeing others as more important than self, hoping the best… And I practice reminding myself of these things constantly! So when I have the option to shout, nag, criticize…be selfish, these basics flood my heart and mind! I’m such a work in progress. But this is what has helped me do far ❤️
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Natalie, thank you so much for being so kind!! I am so encouraged by who you are and how you turn to God so much. I feel like my recent experiences have reminded me I need to turn to God and his word more in my life. Your comment just reassured me more of this! Thank you for sharing your light with me! ❤
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Oh Marla, I think you spoke what many of us moms often feel. We all get in the slumps, and being sleep-deprived and stressed certainly doesn’t help. But I’m completely with you on wanting my happiness and kindness to be in my court, because life IS rarely a perpetual, perfect situation. I’ve always admired those who can make any situation beautiful, and I think it’s a fantastic goal to strive to be one of those people. I might only know you through writing, but it is always overflowing with kindness and optimism. That’s certainly a trait I look up to in you and hope I can do as well!
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Yes, Chelsi, I completely agree! I am so inspired by those who seem to be able to see the good in everyone and all situations. I can only imagine their life and their family’s are made better by their ability to find and create happiness. 🙂
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How brave of you to share so honestly. I think you are where many of us are or have been – being wife and mom isn’t as easy and wonderful and romantic as we all imagined. It’s hard….but it’s worth it. The toddler years – though I look back at them nostalgically now – were not my favorite. Those are exhausting, demanding years that can take their toll. My best advice? Keep your sense of humor and remember to take some time for you.
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Thank you so much for your sweet comment. I so agree, many moments of motherhood can be exceptionally draining. But, I love your advice to keep my sense of humor! I think I often get stressed and then take things too seriously. Life was made for joy and I think I need to remember that more. 🙂 I hope you and your family are enjoying the holidays!
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I love this post. It really is something that all moms can relate to. Thank you for being so open and willing to share!
I wanted to let you know I nominated you for the Liebster Award. Keep up with your beautiful writing! http://thejoyofmomming.wordpress.com/2015/01/01/the-liebster-award/
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