From uglies to beauties

Lately sitting down to write has not come easy. Partly because I’ve felt my thoughts have been anything but inspirational, hopeful, or weaved together well.

So here are my broken words–

Life has left me broken; feeling acutely aware of all my faults, all I lack, and how I’ve fallen short of who I want to be. For a whole slew of reasons I’ve come face to face with a version of myself I always tried to ignore or simply believed was not really part of me, but part of a situation.

“No, that’s not me, that’s part of my postpartum depression.”

“No, that’s not me, it’s part of the stress of moving twice in just over a month.”

“No, that’s not me, that’s part of being sleep deprived and up all night with Parker.

No, no, no, no, no….

But, I’m done with the excuses. I’m tired of letting my temper and my unruly side get the better of me. I’m tired of dumping it on my husband and son. I’ve decided to step up to the mirror and own up to even the ugliest parts of me; the parts I try to turn away from or hide in my closet. It’s time for me to get them out, sort through the uglies, and decide how to conquer them; how to make them beauties.

Speaking of the uglies in my closet... here in my closet currently. :)

Speaking of the uglies in my closet… here in my closet currently. 🙂

I keep reminding myself of this promise:

“… for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” (Ether 12:27)

I really do believe that. Or at least I’m trying to believe that. I want it badly. I want to be able to contain my temper, even during stressful times. I want to be kind to my husband, even when I’m low on sleep. I want to have more patience with my son, even if I’m sick and depleted.

Because when in life will I be able to say I’m not stressed about something? Probably sometimes. But, not very often.

In the end, I want my happiness and kindness to be in my court, not dependent on perfect situations. Because life, as beautiful and wonderful as it is, is rarely a perpetual, perfect situation.

How have you overcome personal traits that you didn’t want in your life? I would love your advice as I am on my own journey of overcoming!

If you enjoyed this post, I would so appreciate your vote. Thanks!

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Don’t measure YOU

Title "Don't measure YOU" next to wooden ruler.We are in the midst of trying to buy a house and move…again. It is such a long story but we may in fact be moving again in November. {Whew.} Through this time of moving limbo we have been trying to arrange financing. Last night as I was feeling emotionally empty and overwhelmed by all the numbers swirling in my head, I lost it. I lost my composure with my family and was NOT the person I wished I would have been. Sadly.

Waking up this morning after a good nights sleep, I realized I don’t want to let this slip-up define me. I definitely want to makes things better, but in the end, I’m not worth less because of my mistake. In fact, I can’t even measure my worth.

Things I can measure are endless–three cups of flour for the cookies, how many cookies I ate after they came out of the oven, an hour play date, the shoe size I wear,  or how much a gallon of gas costs. But one thing I have realized I should not even attempt to measure?

Myself.

My worth does not fluctuate daily. In fact, the day I was born I was worth an innumerable amount and to this day–it hasn’t changed. Nor will it ever change. It won’t change for you either. No matter if I feel like I botched motherhood yesterday, wasn’t the kind of friend I hoped, forgot about a meeting and left someone hanging, or even if I feel I acted in a way that could never be forgiven…

I am still worth the same amount.

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Our worth never changes. Even when I botch motherhood some days, I’m still worth my full 20 dollars.

“One woman who had been through years of trial and sorrow said through her tears, “I have come to realize that I am like an old 20-dollar bill—crumpled, torn, dirty, abused, and scarred. But I am still a 20-dollar bill. I am worth something. Even though I may not look like much and even though I have been battered and used, I am still worth the full 20 dollars.”’
Dieter Uchtdorf

No matter how down we may feel about ourselves, no matter how vulnerable or small we may feel in comparison to others. We are all still worth our full 20-dollars.

“There is nothing so rewarding as to make people realize that they are worthwhile in this world.”- Bob Anderson

How do you remind yourself of your innate worth? How have you learned self-love that transcends the daily slip-ups you make? I would be so interested to hear what helps you!

Small Victories!

Today, I woke up with that deep, raspy cough we all know. It’s the one when you realize you want to be laying on the couch all day long with a bag of cough drops, box of tissues, bottles of liquid, and a good show all within arms length. Then you remember: you’re a mom. And that little sweetheart in the next room over is just waking up, wanting to play, explore the world, and laugh today. And not only that, they want to do it with you.

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I walked into our kitchen and was forcefully reminded that I really needed to get around to doing the dishes in the sink; they were beginning to change the scent of the kitchen in an undesirable way. I surprised myself by turning on Pandora and beginning to do the dishes, then sweep the floor. It was then that I realized,

Hey, I’m doing better than I think. I’m experiencing small victories. I am more capable than I have ever been before.

Sometimes I go on my merry way in life, or not so merry way, and begin to think I haven’t made any progress. I still can’t always keep the house clean, I still say unkind things to my spouse, I still get offended by what people say, I still have a hard time staying close to God. In essence, I believe I’m stagnant; there are no victories. But in reality, I’m experiencing small victories all the time. Sink with big bowl full of soapy dishwater. In the middle it says "Small Victories"I am not that freshman girl I used to be, barely able to take care of myself when I was sick. I’m not the girl who always let the dishes pile up. I am now the girl that got out of bed today and greeted my little boy with a smile. I am the girl who washed the dishes, swept the floor, played with my son, went on a walk, and a number of other things even when I was feeling lousy. So, here’s to the small victories! Here’s to the little wins we experience that are almost imperceptible when we’re running around like busy bees, but become apparent when we stop and re-evaluate how victorious we really are.

Blooming

What seems like forever ago, I made a connection that brought peace to my soul. One day about 3 years ago I was walking around the temple I lived closest too. (I love walking around temples, because there is, and always has been a peace that is pervasive.) I noticed as I walked around the manicured gardens that summer day, that there were flowers of all different kinds. The variety of flowers as well as the different stages of blooming they were in made the gardens so beautiful. In that moment, I realized there is a beauty to blooming.

Each flower is unique and blooms at its own pace.

Each flower is unique and blooms at its own pace.

Blooming is a process. We all know that come spring, flowers will ever so slowly begin to open up and bloom. But even so, each flower blooms at its own pace. There is anticipation for it to bloom fully, but each stage is beautiful. I started to wonder, what about me? Just as I love to watch flowers bloom and grow, does my Heavenly Father find joy and fulfillment as He watches me bloom into the person I can become? I absolutely think He does.

Flowers that remind me of blooming in my backyard

Flowers that remind me of blooming in my backyard

Sometimes I get inpatient with myself. I wonder why I am slow at catching on and getting better at things. But then flowers taught me another lesson. Even though I want to immediately become a better person, isn’t there beauty in slowly blooming? If flowers all of a sudden went from seed to a fully bloomed flower, I would feel I missed out on the beauty of watching it grow. I appreciate the slow and steady growth. It is the same for me. I can slowly grow and bloom through life. It is okay that I am not perfect, I’m just trying to enjoy the blooming. I believe my Heavenly Father understands growth, is loving, and celebrates my steady blooming, however slow it may be.

As I am now a mother, I realize that blooming into motherhood is real and very beautiful. When I think back to the day I became a mother, I am amazed at how much I have grown. I am more patient, I am more full of love, I know how to change a diaper

The day I became a mother

The day I became a mother

faster, etc… But, just like a flower blooming, day-to-day changes are sometimes imperceptible. It takes stepping back and looking at the beginning to realize how far I’ve come; how beautifully I am blooming.  I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father for giving me flowers to learn from.

Take a minute to think about your journey of blooming. How have you bloomed as a mother?