Pains fade

For the last couple weeks I’ve been very reflective. All the sights, smells, and colors of fall have taken me back to the sights, smells, memories, and colors of last fall and all we were experiencing. This is what I wrote on my blog in my post Moving. It’s a roller coaster.

Today my soul is not soaring through the clouds. Instead, it is somewhere between my knees and the ground. Our little family is currently in the midst of moving. We just recently found out we need to be out of our current house in one month and we have yet to find another place to live.

Then, in November while we were still in the middle of our moving adventure I wrote this from my post When life looks bleak:

Many of you know that mid-September and October were difficult for our family. We were told we needed to move in one month, but we were having a difficult time finding another place to live. Things kept falling through, while my anxiety started to rise through the roof.

Moving was a serious roller coaster. I remember readers commenting about how everything would work out; how there was beauty and happiness in store. But honestly, at the time I wasn’t seeing the glimmer; I wasn’t seeing the break in my stormy skies. All I saw was bleak and grey.

This really was a trying time for me. I think many can relate when I say that not knowing where you are going to live is hard. And when there is kids involved and a short time frame, it seems even more stressful. Uncertainty is not something I’m keen on or great with dealing with, and all of last fall was marked by uncertainties.

But this last month or so, I’ve been awestruck by how life has moved on and how the pain of that time period has faded so dramatically. While in the trenches of last year I hit some of my all time lows emotionally, and now I feel like my life is hitting some of it’s all-time highs. It is a testament to me of how there are truly good things to come in life. No matter how deep in the trenches we feel and how certain we are that there really is no light at the end of the tunnel–just more deep darkness–there most certainly IS. There is undoubtedly hope, happiness, and most likely, some of the best times ahead down the tunnels that appear pitch black.

Last year I felt like my holidays were all over the place. Our life was marked by packing and unpacking, only to pack and unpack again. I was lonely for friends and feeling completely unsure. This year, I’m decorating my house, preparing for our sweet girl who has lived in my heart for years, and enjoying the peace and stability of life.

Fall Collage

This year

I know many may not be in those times of certainty today. Perhaps your road is leading now to a tunnel that seems unbearable, lonely, and pitch black. But, I’m hear to tell ya, that hard times do pass. The pain of yesteryear’s do fade. To my past self, the clouds did break. There really was happiness ahead. I’m living proof to myself that the happiness is here and times do get better.

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He’s really there.

Oh, it’s been a while since one of these drafts has been published. It’s been a while since I’ve written a couple sentences and felt that they flowed, were natural, and were all complete sentences. Thank you to those who sent me messages to check up on me and see how I was doing. Those words meant so much to me.

Frazzled.

chicken

Don’t ask why I thought this was hilarious!

That’s probably the most fitting adjective for me these days. I’ve heard the term “running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off” and I’ve realized that it’s alarmingly accurate.

Life is busy, and I often feel torn between wanting to give more to my son, but feeling empty myself. It’s hard to be taking 3 classes and still being a mom. It makes me think of all those working mom’s, all the single mom’s, and all the mom’s who may not be single, but feel they are going at it alone. I cannot imagine the sheer exhaustion. I have the utmost respect for you. You are incredible.

But, we keep going, right? We realize we’re stronger than we thought, and that our souls can weather storms we hadn’t conceived before. We do our best, at times feeling like a failure and we move forward loving our family the best we know how.  Luckily, there is a loving God.

I feel God is very intimately involved in this motherhood journey of ours, whether we have children or not yet. He sees our sorrows and our yearning hearts. He’s near our side in the middle of the nights. He’s stroking our hair when we cry out at night from exhaustion and loneliness. He’s right by our side when we struggle to conceive. He listens intently to our prayers we send up to Him and answers them in His time and way.

A picture I drew in High School that brought peace to my soul.

A picture I drew in High School that brought peace to my soul.

He’s really there. In my times of deepest sorrow, I often pray for the ability to feel His warm and loving embrace. In those moments I feel the deepest sense of comfort and love just surround me.

He’s really there.

Girls, we got this. We got this crazy, mixed-up, altered plans, hurt hearts, exhilarating life. We got this, because He is really there.

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If you are interested in finding more bloggers, I linked some of the blogging women who have inspired me to be stronger and rely on God. Really, they are my friends. If you want some inspiration and a dose of straight-talk, real life, then stop by their blogs to meet them.

In alphabetical order: A Babbling Brooke, Catching Crawfish, Chloe Kepner, Invited by Grace, Light the Lie, MomLife Now, Natalie Brenner, Noelle B. Blogs and Three Boys and a Mom

*ALSO, since life is much busier and it’s harder for me to sit down and blog as often, I would love if you would follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter to get more daily updates. 🙂 Thank you for being apart of my life!

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From uglies to beauties

Lately sitting down to write has not come easy. Partly because I’ve felt my thoughts have been anything but inspirational, hopeful, or weaved together well.

So here are my broken words–

Life has left me broken; feeling acutely aware of all my faults, all I lack, and how I’ve fallen short of who I want to be. For a whole slew of reasons I’ve come face to face with a version of myself I always tried to ignore or simply believed was not really part of me, but part of a situation.

“No, that’s not me, that’s part of my postpartum depression.”

“No, that’s not me, it’s part of the stress of moving twice in just over a month.”

“No, that’s not me, that’s part of being sleep deprived and up all night with Parker.

No, no, no, no, no….

But, I’m done with the excuses. I’m tired of letting my temper and my unruly side get the better of me. I’m tired of dumping it on my husband and son. I’ve decided to step up to the mirror and own up to even the ugliest parts of me; the parts I try to turn away from or hide in my closet. It’s time for me to get them out, sort through the uglies, and decide how to conquer them; how to make them beauties.

Speaking of the uglies in my closet... here in my closet currently. :)

Speaking of the uglies in my closet… here in my closet currently. 🙂

I keep reminding myself of this promise:

“… for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” (Ether 12:27)

I really do believe that. Or at least I’m trying to believe that. I want it badly. I want to be able to contain my temper, even during stressful times. I want to be kind to my husband, even when I’m low on sleep. I want to have more patience with my son, even if I’m sick and depleted.

Because when in life will I be able to say I’m not stressed about something? Probably sometimes. But, not very often.

In the end, I want my happiness and kindness to be in my court, not dependent on perfect situations. Because life, as beautiful and wonderful as it is, is rarely a perpetual, perfect situation.

How have you overcome personal traits that you didn’t want in your life? I would love your advice as I am on my own journey of overcoming!

If you enjoyed this post, I would so appreciate your vote. Thanks!

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Don’t measure YOU

Title "Don't measure YOU" next to wooden ruler.We are in the midst of trying to buy a house and move…again. It is such a long story but we may in fact be moving again in November. {Whew.} Through this time of moving limbo we have been trying to arrange financing. Last night as I was feeling emotionally empty and overwhelmed by all the numbers swirling in my head, I lost it. I lost my composure with my family and was NOT the person I wished I would have been. Sadly.

Waking up this morning after a good nights sleep, I realized I don’t want to let this slip-up define me. I definitely want to makes things better, but in the end, I’m not worth less because of my mistake. In fact, I can’t even measure my worth.

Things I can measure are endless–three cups of flour for the cookies, how many cookies I ate after they came out of the oven, an hour play date, the shoe size I wear,  or how much a gallon of gas costs. But one thing I have realized I should not even attempt to measure?

Myself.

My worth does not fluctuate daily. In fact, the day I was born I was worth an innumerable amount and to this day–it hasn’t changed. Nor will it ever change. It won’t change for you either. No matter if I feel like I botched motherhood yesterday, wasn’t the kind of friend I hoped, forgot about a meeting and left someone hanging, or even if I feel I acted in a way that could never be forgiven…

I am still worth the same amount.

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Our worth never changes. Even when I botch motherhood some days, I’m still worth my full 20 dollars.

“One woman who had been through years of trial and sorrow said through her tears, “I have come to realize that I am like an old 20-dollar bill—crumpled, torn, dirty, abused, and scarred. But I am still a 20-dollar bill. I am worth something. Even though I may not look like much and even though I have been battered and used, I am still worth the full 20 dollars.”’
Dieter Uchtdorf

No matter how down we may feel about ourselves, no matter how vulnerable or small we may feel in comparison to others. We are all still worth our full 20-dollars.

“There is nothing so rewarding as to make people realize that they are worthwhile in this world.”- Bob Anderson

How do you remind yourself of your innate worth? How have you learned self-love that transcends the daily slip-ups you make? I would be so interested to hear what helps you!

You can be a champion

As a new blogger, I’ve been thinking a lot about… blogging. I’ve also been thinking about all my blog currently is and all I hope it to be. Currently they aren’t matching up and it can be discouraging.

To be quite honest, I have big dreams. Some that I am almost too afraid to admit. I feel sheepish even writing it down, but I do it in hopes that someone will not feel alone in their dreams.

I have dreams of being an influential person in the world. Dreams of having content on my blog that encourages and uplifts. Dreams of initiating helpful conversations on the internet. Dreams of friendships that support one another from states away.

It is hard when those dreams feel so out of reach and far away. It is difficult when I feel completely insignificant. There is this nagging voice in the back of my head, that says I have nothing to offer a world with 152 million blogs. But I keep pushing the voice away, because I read your blogs and they uplift me. Each individual voice adds something unique and teaches me something; something only you could teach me. And I’m grateful for that.

As I was listening to music today while cleaning the house, the song “Hall of Fame” by The Script came on. I love that song. I was listening to the lyrics when I realized how powerful the words were. The theme of the song is this–YOU can be a champion. You can conquer the challenges ahead. You have to give your dreams a fighting chance, because you’ll never know if you don’t give it a good try.

“Giving up is the only sure way to fail.”-Gena Showalter

You can be a champion

My boy, Parker, who inspires me to keep trying.

So whatever it is that you dream about, keep at it. You’ll never know if you might be great, unless you give it a good chance. A creative mom, a talented cook, an inspirational blogger, a supportive sister, the greatest exercise guru–whatever it is! We are much more powerful and equal to the task than we realize.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?… As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.” —Marianne Williamson

What are your dreams? How do you stay motivated to do what you love?