Each day I choose: flaws or fabulous?

Over the years, I think I believed a marriage was made better due to both individuals changing and becoming better over time–a slow refiners fire. Although I still believe this would make for a better marriage over time, I’m beginning to realize that the biggest change for my marriage will take place within… me.

Of course there are exceptions. Some marriages are genuinely harmful in nature and degrading to a spouse. But overall, many spouses in a marriage have a daily choice, I know I do in mine. My marriage could be joyous, fulfilling, satisfying, and meaningful, because of who I am and my attitude. Or, my marriage could be full of frustration, annoyance, disappointment, and contention, because of who I am and what I choose to see.

The choice is mine to make. Every single day.

Each day I chooseEach day I choose the quality and happiness I will find in my marriage. I can choose to see the flaws of my spouse and hone in on them. I can choose to not get past them and begin to think of ways that he needs to improve or the characteristics he needs to alter. I could even make a plan for his change and try to make the change occur through “subtle” hints, encouragement, or reminding. But, most likely, I would be the one making the marriage worse.

In H. Wallace Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, he says:

Satan knows that healing human souls is something we humans always do poorly. That is why the devil wants us to be mate-fixing do-it-yourselfers.

This is a keen irony in our dilemma. We cannot fix our partners. We cannot even fix ourselves! But we can make ourselves humble. We can recognize our dependence on God for all that we have and are.

So when we presume to set our partners and our marriage right, we are intruding on the Heavenly prerogative. We are seizing the reins from God. It doesn’t work. We mortals make poor gods.”

I was not made to fix my spouse and tell him how he needs to change and the steps he needs to take. I’m not even the one who needs to tell him what to work on. That is simply not my job, and whenever I assume it, I’ll inevitably do it wrong. Why? I cannot even change myself very effectively without the help of God and His endless and all encompassing atonement.

So, what is my job in the marriage? To simply find joy in what I love about my partner. Celebrate his triumphs, celebrate his good, celebrate what I fell in love with in the beginning and leave the rest to him and God. My job is simply to love, accentuate the positive, and have charity for his weakness, as I hope he’ll have charity for mine.

In the end, my marriage is only as good as my ability to love my spouse. In the end, my marriage is only as good as my ability to see the good. And in the end, the only lasting change I can make takes place in me.

I am the master of my fate*If you would like to read more thoughts on marriage, feel free to jump on over to my blog about marriage and relationships: Working for my Marriage. It is still in the early stages of being created & designed, but the content is all there! 🙂

To my unborn child: My heart still yearns for you

{This post was written before I found out I was pregnant. It was a Sunday afternoon, and I was feeling the loss of previous negative tests along with wondering about what the future would hold. I sat down on my in-laws porch and wrote this out on my phone…}

My heart today is at peace, but still yearning–sincerely, sincerely yearning that I will be pregnant with our next little one. I pray for that child and anxiously await the day I will know it is coming–on its way.

In my heart, I know the day will come. In my heart, I know that things will happen according to the will of God and His perfect timing. But even though I feel that peace, my heart still loves my unborn child; my heart still yearns.

You see, I’m starting to feel that a mother’s love knows no bounds. My love transcends earth and life. It leaps to an unborn child still safely in the arms of God in Heaven.

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My love feels a special kindred love towards our child. I feel as though the child is close by and knows me as his or her mother. And I yearn. I yearn for the day that we can meet face to face, skin to skin, and welcome it into our family.

Even though I’m at peace knowing that God understands and that he is guiding my process of conception, I still feel a deep, deep yearning that cannot be simply put in the back of my head, or forgotten.

I love my unborn child and I yearn for the day I will learn it is on its way into our loving arms.

I would love to connect with you! You can find me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter to get more daily updates. 🙂 Thank you for being apart of my life!

He asked to hold my hand

This little boy has got my heart. He tugs not only on my hand as he takes me from room to room around the house to play, but he tugs at my heart strings, too. He’s tender, he’s kind, and he tells me he is brave. “Brave” he will say with conviction.

But even though he is trying to be brave, he is still a boy who needs his mama, and I’m glad. Because this mama still wants her little boy. After all, nowadays there is less rocking, the closeness of nursing is a distant memory, and cuddles are becoming fewer and farther between as he grows more independent day by day. But even though he’s growing, I long for those moments of just being close–the two of us.

The other day after he was hard at play for a while, we climbed in the car to drive home and there he was in the back. He suddenly said aloud, “Hold hand.” I looked back and there he was reaching for my hand. “Hold hand” he said again. He situated his hand just right and then he looked out the window-Just content- “cloud!” and “mountain!” he exclaimed.

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It was this moment that I was so grateful for. For a couple moments my boy was back in my reach. Just him and I, and the clouds and mountains within our grasp.

“A mother holds her children’s hands for a while, their hearts forever.”- Unknown

He may not reach back and hold my hand for much longer, in fact, in a matter of a few short years, I don’t think he’d be caught dead doing that. But forever, we’ll be close. He’ll be my little, rascal boy, and I’ll be his mom–forever.

Sacredness of Intimacy

This week my mind has been blown, boggled, and awe-inspired all at once. Sometimes I read an article and I’m relatively unchanged by it’s contents, but then sometimes I come across an article that dives into my heart and makes waves that last for days.

I can’t shake this last article I read and the feeling it has brought over me. Check out the article HERE.

Sacredness of life

The main premise? Marital intimacy is a sacrament that we experience with our spouse and God. Sacraments are moments in time when we come to God and feel his holy presence. We partake of a holy experience with Him. There are few times in life when we get more close to divinity itself, then when we join with our spouse with the potential to create. And not just to create anything… but to create a living, breathing, loving, dreaming human being.

This concept boggles my mind.

“You and I who can make neither mountain nor moonlight, not one raindrop nor a single rose–yet we have this greater gift in an absolutely unlimited way. And the only control placed on us is self-control–self-control born of respect for the divine sacramental power it is.

Surely God’s trust in us to respect this future-forming gift is awesomely staggering. We who may not be able to repair a bicycle nor assemble an average jigsaw puzzle–yet with all our weaknesses and imperfections, we carry this procreative power that makes us very much like God in at least one grand and majestic way.”

This quote is the essence of my thoughts. I cannot believe that me–so very imperfect– and quite unable to put together a rubiks cube–am right this minute creating fingers and toes, a nervous system, eyes to see the sunrise, and ears to hear birds and someday my goodnight lullaby.

sacredness of marital intimacy

I’m so profoundly grateful to a God who lets me come closer to Him through this sacrament. This time when I feel His guiding hand and love so powerfully. Surely, intimacy is sacred, the creation of life is sacred, and I’m humbled that even I, as imperfect and weak of a vessel I am, can take a part in this magnificent sacrament.

Why I’m glad I am a woman

In light of recent events in the media, as well as personal experiences, I started to feel this overwhelming sense of gratitude for the fact that I am a woman and what that means.

What does it mean to me to be a woman? It means being a steadying influence in the lives of those around me. It means emitting love, gentleness, and kindness. It means embracing my femininity. It means being sensitive and available to those who need support and love. It means supporting those around me and letting the beauty of my spirit grace the walls of my home.

I know its hard to believe, but this is my wife

I love the fact that my spirit is innately different than my husband’s;that his traits divinely complement mine and that together we make a delicate-strong, supportive-protective, compassionate-courageous…pair. I love that my boy will run to me when he feels hurt, and that he’ll run to his dad when he’s ready to roll around on the floor and wrestle (not that we don’t wrestle, too). I love that he’ll cuddle up with both of us and shower us both with kisses, because he appreciates what we each mean in his life.

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Being a woman really is something special. Being a mother is a calling and the greatest expression of my femininity. In fact, I feel as a mother that I have enlarged my capabilities and found more of myself. I am more caring, more compassionate, more gentle, more delicate, more gracious, more creative. Let’s be honest, some days I don’t feel like I’m good at any of those, but really, I believe those qualities are something that settle naturally within me. If I’m not them, I have a strong desire to be them.

In an talk by James E. Faust he says some of the most beautiful things about women:

One of your unique, precious, and sublime gifts is your femininity, with its natural grace, goodness, and divinity. Femininity is not just lipstick, stylish hairdos, and trendy clothes. It is the divine adornment of humanity. It finds expression in your qualities of your capacity to love, your spirituality, delicacy, radiance, sensitivity, creativity, charm, graciousness, gentleness, dignity, and quiet strength. It is manifest differently in each girl or woman, but each of you possesses it. Femininity is part of your inner beauty.

I love that. I love that womanhood can be defined by such wonderful words: charm, creativity, radiance, dignity, and graciousness.

The truth of it all is–I love being a woman.